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A Terribly Exciting Affair 


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‘By A. A. MILNE — 


Copyright, 1923, by Samuel French, Ltd. 


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ALL RIGHTS RESERVED 


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Digitized by the Internet Archive 
in 2021 with funding from 
University of Illinois Urbana-Champaign 


https://archive.org/details/maninbowlerhatte0Omiln_0 


THE MAN IN THE BOWLER 


HAT 


The Scene is Mary’s sitting-room—the most ordinary 
sitting-room in the world. Joun and Mary, two of the 
most ordinary people, he in the early forties, she in the 
late thirties, are stiting in front of the fire after dinner. 
He, as usual, ts reading the paper; she, as usual, is 
knitting. They talk im a desultory way. 


Mary. 


Did I tell you that Mrs. Patchett had just 


had another baby ? 
JOHN (not looking up from his paper). Yes, dear, you 


told me. 

Mary. Did I? Are you sure? 

Joun. Last week. 

Mary. But she only had it yesterday. Mr. Patchett 
told me this morning when I was ordering the cauli- 
flower. 

Joun. Ah! Then perhaps you told me she was going 
to have one. 

Mary. Yes, I think that must have been it. 

Joun. This is the one that she was going to have ? 

Mary. It weighed seven pounds exactly. 

Joun. Of course, being a grocer, he would have the 
scales ready. Boy or girl ? 

Mary. Boy. 

Joun. The first boy, isn’t it? 


“Mary. The second. 


JOHN 


(sticking to it). The first one that weighed 


seven pounds exactly. 
(They are silent again—he reading, she knitting.) 
Mary. Anything in the paper to-night ? 
5 


6 THE MAN IN THE BOWLER SEAT. 


JOHN (turning over the paper). A threatened strike of 
boiler-makers. 

Mary. Does that matter very much ? 

Joun. It says here that the situation is extremely 
serious. 

Mary. Tell me about it. 

JOHN (not very good at wz). Well, the—er—boiler- 
makers are threatening to strike. (Wezghitly.) They 
are threatening not to make any more—er—boilers. 

Mary. Kitchen boilers ? 

JOHN (with an explanatory gesture). Boilers. They 
are threatening not to make any more of them. And— — 
well—that’s how it is. (Returning to his paper.) The 
situation is extremely serious. Exciting scenes have 
been witnessed. | 

Mary. What sort of scenes ? 

JouN. Well, naturally, when you have a lot of men 
threatening not to make any more boilers . . . and— 
er—a lot of other men threatening that if they don’t 
make any—well, exciting scenes are witnessed. Have 
been witnessed by this man, this special correspondent. 

Mary (after a pause). It’s a funny thing that nothing 
exciting ever happens to wus. 

Joun. It depends what you mean by exciting. I 
went round in 95 last Saturday—as I think I told you. 

Mary. Yes, but I mean something really thrilling— 
and dangerous. Like in a novel—or on the stage. 

Joun. My dear Mary, nothing like that ever happens 
in real life. I mean it wouldn’t happen to us. 

Mary. Would you like it if it did? 


(He says nothing for a moment. Then he puts down his 
paper, and sits there, thinking. At last he turns to her.) 


JOHN (almost shyly). I used to imagine things like 
that happening. Years ago. Rescuing a beautiful 
maiden and—and all that sort of thing. And being 
wrecked on a desert island with her.... (He turns 
away from her, staring into his dreams.) Or pushing 
open a little green door in a long high wall, and finding 


THE MAN IN THE BOWLER HAT. cs 


myself in a wonderful garden under the bluest of blue 
skies, and waiting, waiting .. . for something... . 
Mary. Iusedtoimagine things too. People fighting 
duels becauseofme.... Silly,isn'tit? Nothing ever 
really happens like that. 
JouN (still with his thoughts). No.... 


(At this moment a STRANGE Man comes in. Contrary to 
all etiquette, he is wearing a Bowler Hat and an overcoat, 
and has a half-smoked cigar in his mouth. He walks 
quickly across the reom and sits down in a chair with 
his back to the audience. Joun and Mary, deep in their 
thoughts, do not notice him.) 


Mary (looking into the fire). I suppose we’re too old 
for it now. 

Joun. I suppose so. 

Mary. If it had only happened once—just for the 
memories. 

Joun. So that we could say to each other—Good 
lord! what’s that ? 


(Ié was the crack of a revolver. No mistaking it, even by 
Joun, who has never been much of a hand with revolvers.) 


Mary (frightened). John! 


(There ts a scuffling noise outside the door. They look 
eagerly towards it. Then suddenly there is dead silence. 
The Man in the Bowler Hat flicks some of his cigar ash 
on to the carpe-—Mary’s carpet.) 


Joun. Look! 


(Very slowly the door begins to open. Through the crack 
comes a@ long, sinuous hand. The door opens farther, 
and the hand is followed by along, sinuous body. Still the 
MAN In THE Bow er Hat says nothing. Then the door 
ts closed, and leaning up against it, breathing rather 
quickly, 1s the Hero, in his hand a revolver. Joun and 
Mary look at each other wonderingly.) 


JOHN (with a preliminary cough). I—I beg your 
pardon ? 


8 THE MAN IN THE BOWLER HAT. 


Hero (turning quickly, finger to his lips). H’sh! 
JOHN (apologetically). I beg your pardon! 


(The Hero listens anxiously atthe door. Then, evidently 
reassured for the moment, he comes towards them.) 


Hero (to Joun). Quick, take this! (He presses his 
revolver into JoHN’s hand.) 

Joun. I—er—what do I 

Hero (to Mary). And you! This! (He takes 
another revolver from his hip-pocket and presses ut into 
Mary’s hand.) 

Mary. Thank you. Do we—— 

Hero (sternly). H’sh! 

Mary. Oh, I beg your pardon. 

Hero. Listen! 





(They all listen. Joun and Mary have never listened so 
intently before, but to no purpose. They hear nothing.) 


JOHN (in a whisper). What is it ? 

Hero. Nothing. 

JOHN. Yes, that’s what J heard. 

Hero. Have you got a—— (He breaks off and 
broods.) 

Mary. A what? 

Hero (shaking his head). No, it’s too late now. 

JouN (to Mary). Haven’t we got one? 

Mary. I ordered one on Saturday, but it hasn’t 
come. 

Hero. You wait here—that will be best. I shall be 
back in 8 moment. 

Joon. What do we do? 

Hero. Listen. That’s all. Listen, 

JOHN (eagerly). Yes, yes. 

Hero. I shall be back directly. 


(Just as he 1s making for the window, the door opens and 
the HEROINE—obviously—comes in. They stand gazing 
at each other.) 


Heroine. Oh! (But with a world of expression in tt.) 
Hero. Oh! (With even more expression.) 


THE MAN IN THE BOWLER HAT. 9 


Heroine. My love! 
Hero. My beautiful! 


(They meet and are locked in an embrace.) 


JoHN (fo Mary). I suppose they’re engaged to be 
married. 

Mary. Oh, I think they must be. 

Joun. They’ve evidently met before. 

Hero (lifting his head for a moment). My Dolores! 
(He bites her neck again.) 

JOHN (fo Mary). I think this must be both “ How do 
you do ” ard “‘ Good-bye.” 

Mary (wistfully). He is very good-looking. 

JouN (casually). Oh, do you think so? Now she’s 
pretty, if you like. 

Mary (doubifully). Ye-es. Very bad style, of course. 

JOHN (indignanily). My dear Mary 

Heroine (fo Hero). Quick, quick, you must go! 

Hero. Never—now that I have found you again. 

Heroine. Yes, yes! My father is hot upon your 
tracks. He will be here at any moment in his two-seater. 

Hero (turning pale). Your father! 

Heroine. I walked on ahead to warn you. He has 
come for—iT! 

JouN (to Mary). What on earth’s 1T ? 

Hero (staggering). Iv! 

Heroine. Yes. 

JouN (to Mary). Income-tax collector. 

Hero. The Rajah’s Ruby! 

Mary. Oh, how exciting! 

Heroine. Yes, he knows you have it. He is deter- 
mined to wrest it from you. 

Hero. Never! 

Joun. Well done! Bravo! (Offering his cigarette 
case.) Would you care for a——(But the HERO spurns 
it). 

Heroine. There is no mischief he might not do, if 
once it were in his possession. Three prominent mem- 
bers of Society would be ruined, there would be another 
war in Mexice and the exchange value of the rouble 





10 THE MAN IN THE BOWLER HAT. 


would be seriously impaired. Promise me you will 
never give it up. 

Hero. I promise. 

Heroine. I must go. I am betraying my father by 
coming here, but I love you. 

JOHN (io Mary). She does love him, I thought she 
did. 

Mary. How could she help it? 

Herero. I adore you! 

JouHn. You see, he adores her too. It certainly 
looked like it. 

Mary. I still don’t think she’s very good style. 

Heroine. Then—good-bye! 


(They embrace again.) 


JOHN (after a decent interval). Excuse me, sir, but 
if you have a train to catch—I mean if your future 
father-in-law’s two-seater is any good at all, oughtn’t 
you to be—er 

Hero (releasing HEROINE). Good-bye! (He conducts 
her to the door, gives her a last long lingering look, and lets 
her go.) 

Mary (fo herself). Pretty, of course, in a kind of way, 
but I must say I don’t luke that style. 


(The Hero comes out of his reverte and proceeds to 
business.) 


Hero (briskly to Joun). You have those revolvers ? 

Joun. Yes. 

Hero. Then wait here, and listen. More than one 
life depends upon it. 

JoHN. How many more ? 

Hero. If you hear the slightest noise—— 

JouN (eagerly). Yes? 

Hero. H’sh! 


(He goes to the window, waits there listening for a moment, 
and then slips out... . Joun and Mary remain, their 
ears outstretched.) 


JOHN (with a start). H’sh! What’s that? 





THE MAN IN THE BOWLER HAT. 11 


Mary. What was it, dear ? 

Joun. I don’t know. 

Mary. It’s so awkward when you don’t quite know 
what you’re listening for. 

Joun. H’sh! We were told to listen and we must 
listen. More than one life depends on it. 

Mary. All right, dear. 


(They continue to listen. A little weary of it, Mary looks 
down the barrel of the revolver to see uf she can see any- 
thing imieresting.) 


JOHN (observing her). Don’t do that! It’s very 
dangerous to point a loaded revolver at yourself. If 
anything happened, it would be too late to say after- 
wards that you didn’t mean it. 

Mary. Very well, John—-Oh, look! 


(Again the door opens quickly, and a sinister gentleman in 
a fur-coai inserts himself inio the room. We recognize 
him at once as the Cuter VitLain. Very norselessly, 
his back to Joun and Mary, he creeps along the wall 
towards the window.) 


JOHN (in a whisper). Father-in-law. 

Mary. Do we (She indicates the revolver.) 

JouN (doubifuliy). I—I suppose—— (He ratses his 
gun hesiiatingly.) 

Mary. Oughtn’t you to say something first ? 

Joun. Yes—er—— (He clears his throat warn 
ingly.) Ahem ! 





(The Cuizr VILLAIN continues to creep towards the 
window.) 


You, sir! 
Mary (politely). Do you want anything, or—or 
anything ? 


(The Cuizr VILLAIN is now at the window.) 
Joon. Just a moment, sir. 


(The Cuter ViLLaIn opens the window and steps oud 
the curtains.) 


i OO om |S ag a 


12 THE MAN IN THE BOWLER HAT. 


Mary. Qh, he’s gone! 

Joun. I call that very bad mannets. 

Mary. Do you think he’ll come back ? 

JOHN (with determination). I shall shoot him like a 
dog if he does. (Waving aside all protests.) Like a dog. 

Mary. Yes, dear, perhaps that would be best. 

Joun. Look out, he’s coming back. 


(He raises his revolver as the door opens. Again the 
Curur VILLAIN enters cautiously and creeps towards 
the window.) 


Mary (in @ whisper). Shoot! 


JouNn (awkwardly). Er—I suppose it ¢s the same — ’ 


man ? 

Mary. Yes, yes! 

Joun. I mean—it wouldn’t be quite fairif—— (He 
coughs warningly.) Tixcuse me, sir! 


(The Cuinr VILLAIN ts now at the window again.) 


Mary. Quick, before he goes! 

JOHN (raising his revolver nervously). I ought te 
tell you, sir (Zo Mary.) You know, I still think 
this is a different one. 





(The Cuizr VILLAIN again disappears through the window.) 


Mary (in great disappointment). Oh, he’s gone! 

JOHN (firmly). It was a different one. The other one 
hadn’t got a moustache. 

Mary. He had, John. It was the same man, of 
course it was. 

Joun. Oh! Well, if I had known that, if I had only 
been certain of it, I should have shot him like a dog. 

A Voice (which sounds ltke the Hero’s). Help, help! 

Mary. John, listen ! 

JoHN. I am listening. 

A Voice. He-e-elp! 

Mary. Oughtn’t we to do something ? 

JoHN. We are doing something. We're listening. 
That’s what he told us to do. 

A Voicz. Help! 


THE MAN IN THE BOWLER GAT. 13 


JoHN (listening). That’s the other man; the one 
who came in first. 

Mary. The nice-looking one. Oh, John, we must 
do something. 

Joun. If he calls out again, I shall—I shall—do 
something. I shall take steps. I may even have to 
shoot somebody. But I will not have—— 

A Voicg. Quick, quick! 

Mary. There! 

Joun. Er—was that the same voice ? 

Mary (moving to the door). Yes, of course it was. It 
sounded as if it were in the hall. Come along. 

Joon. Wait a moment. (She turns round.) We 
must keep cool, Mary. Wemustn’t beimpetuous. Just 
hold this a moment. (He hands her his revolver.) 

Mary (surprised). Why, what—— 

Joun. I shall take my coat off. (He takes off his 
coat very slowly.) I’m going through with this. I’m 
not easily roused, but when once—— 

A Voice. Help! Quick! 

JOHN (reassuringly). All right, my man, all right. 
(Very leisurely he rolls up his sleeves.) I’m not going 
to have this sort of thing going on in my house. I’m 
not going to have it. (Doubtfully.) I don’t think I 
need take my waistcoat off too. What do you think, 
Mary ? 

Mary (impatiently). No, dear, of course not, you 
look very nice. 

JOHN (very determined). Now then, let’s have that 
revolver. (She gives it to him.) I shall say “‘ Hands 
up!”—very sharply, like that—“ Hands up/”—and 
then if he doesn’t put his hands up I shall—I shall say 
“Hands up!” again. That will show him that I’m 
not to be trifled with. Now then, dear, are you ready ? 

Mary (eagerly). Yes! 

Joun. Then—— 


(But at that moment the lights go out.) 


Mary. Oh! 7 
Joun (annoyed). Now, why did you do that, Mary ? 


14 THE MAN IN THE BOWLER HAT. 


Mary. I didn’t do it, dear. 

JoHN. Then who did? 

Mary. I don’t know. They just went out. 

Joun. Then I shall write to the Company to-morrow 
and complain. I shall complain to the Company about 
the lights, and I shall complain to the landlord about the 
way people go in and out of this house, and shriek 
and—— 

Mary (i alarm). Oh! 

Joun. Don’t do that! What is it? 

Mary. I can feel somebody quite close to me. 

JOHN. Well, that’s me. 

Mary. Not you, somebody else.... Oh! He 
touched me! 

JoHN (addressing the darkness). Really, sir, I must 
ask you not to—— 

Mary. Listen! Ican hear breathings all round me! 

JoHN. Excuse me, sir, but do you mind not breathing 
all round my wife ? 

Mary. There! Now I can’t hear anything. 

JouNn (complacently). There you are, my dear. You 
see what firmness does. I wasn’t going to have that 
sort of thing going on in my house. 


(The lights go up and reveal the HERO gagged so that only 
his eyes are visible, and bound to a chair.) 


Mary (clinging to her husband). Oh, John! 

JOHN (with sudden desperate bravery). Hands up! 
(He levels his revolver.) 

Mary. Don’t be silly, how can he? 

Joun. All right, dear, I was only practising. (He 
_ blows a speck of dust off his revolver, and holds it up to the 
light again.) Yes, it’s quite a handy little fellow. I 
think I shall be able to do some business with this all 
right. 

Mary. Poor fellow! I wonder who it is. 


(The Hzpo wies to speak with his eyes end movements 
of the head.) 


THE MAN IN THE BOWLER HAT. 15 


Joun. He wants something. Perhaps it’s the 
evening paper. (He makes a movement towards tt.) 
Mary. Listen! 


(The Hero begins to tap with his feet.) 


Joun. He’s signalling something. 

Mary. Dots and dashes! 

JoHN. That’s the Morse Code, that’s what that is. 
Where’s my dictionary? (He fetches iw hastily and 
begins to turn over the pages.) 

Mary. Quick, dear! 

JOHN (reading). Here we are. “1. Morse—The 
walrus.” (Looking at the Hero.) No, that must be 
wrong. Ah, thisis better. “2. Morse code signalling 
of telegraph-operators—as “He sends a good morse.’ ”’ 

Mary. Well? What does it say ? 

Joun. Nothing. That’s all. Then we come to 
“‘ Morsel—a small piece of food, a mouthful, a bite. Also 
a small meal.” 

Mary (brilliantly). A mouthful! That’s what he 
means! He wants the gag taken out of his mouth. 
(She goes to him.) 

Joun. That’s very clever of you, Mary. I should . 
never have thought of that. 

Mary (untying the gag). There! ... Why, it’s the 
man who came in first, the nice-looking one! 

Joun. Yes, he said he was coming back. 


(Before the Hero can express his thanks—+f that ts what 
he wants to express—the CHIEF VILLAIN, accompanied 
by a Bap Man, comes in. Joun and Mary instinctively 
yetreat.) 


Curr VILLAIN (sardonically). Ha! 
JouN (politely). Ha to you, sir. 


(The Cuter VILLAIN fixes JOHN with a terrible eye.) 


(Nervously to Mary.) Say “Ha!” to the gentleman, 
r. 
Mary (faintly). Hal 


16 THE MAN IN THE BOWLER HAT. 


Curer Vittain. And what the Mephistopheles are 
you doing here ? 

JOHN (to Mary). What are we doing here ? 

Mary (bravely). This is our house, 

JoHN. Yes, this is owr house. 

Cuier VitLAIN. Then siddown! 


(JoHN sits down meekly.) 


Is this your wife ? 
Joun. Yes. (Making the introduction.) %r—my 
wife—er—Mr.—er—the gentleman—— 
CHIEF ViLLAIN. Then tell her to siddown too. 
JouN (to Mary). He wants you to siddown. 


(She does so.) 


CuiEF VILLAIN. That’s better. (To Bap Man.) 
Just take their guns off ’em. 

Bap Man (taking the guns). Do you want them tied 
up or gagged or anything ? 

Carer VituaIn. No, they’re not worth it. 

JoHN (humbly). Thank you. 

CuieF VittaIn. Now then, to business. (Zo Hzro.) 
Where’s the Rajah’s ruby ? 

Hero (firmly). Ishan’t tell you. 

Cmer Vittain. You won't ? 

Hero. I won't. 

Carer Viniain. That's awkward. (Afier much 
thought.) You absolutely refuse to ? 

Hero. I absolutely refuse to. 

Cuier Vittain. Ha! (Zo Bap Man.) Torture the 
prisoner. 

Bap Man (cheerfully). Right you are, governor. (He 
feels on the lapel of his coat and then says to Mary.) 
Could you oblige me with the loan of a pin, Mum ? 

Mary. I don’t think—— (finding one.) Here you 
are. 

Bap Man. Thanks. (He advances threateningly upon 
the prisoner.) 

CuimF VILLAIN. Wait! (Zo Hero.) Before pro- 


THE MAN IN THE BOWLER HAT. 17 


ceeding to extremities, I will give you one more chance. 
Where is the Rujah’s Raby ? 

Bap Man. You mean the Rabah’s Rujy, don’t you, 
governor ? 

CuieFr VintuaiIn. That’s what I said. 

JOHN (wishing to help). You said the Rubah’s Rajy, 
but I think you meant the rhubarb’s—— 

CureF ViuuaIn. Silence! (Zo Hero.) I ask you 
again—where is the Ruj—I mean where is the Rab—— 
Well anyhow, where is it ? 

Hero. I won’t tell you. 

CurEeF VILLAIN. Proceed, Mr. Smithers. 

Bap Man. Well, you’ve asked for it, Mate. (He 
pushes the pin into the Hero’s arm.) 

Hero. Ow! 

Mary. Oh, poor fellow! 

Carer Vituain. Silence! Where is—— 


(The Hero shakes his head.) 


Torture him again, Mr. Smithers. 

Hero. No, no! Mercy! I'll tell you. 

JOHN (indignantly). Ob, I say! 

Bap Man. Shall I just give him another one for 
luck, governor ? 

Hero. Certainly not! 

JouN (to Mary). Personally I think he should have 
held ovt much longer. 

Corer VitiaIn. Very well, then. Where is the 
Rajah’s Ruby ? 

Hero. In the cloak-room of Waterloo Station. In 
a hat-box. 

CureF VitLAIn (doubtfully). In the cloak-room at 
Warteloo Station, you say ? 

Hero. Yes. In a hat-box. Now release me. 

CuieF Vittarn. How do I know it’s there ? 

Hero. Well, how do J know ? 

CureF VitiaIn. True. (Holding out his hand.) 
Well, give me the ticket for it. 

Hero. I haven’t got it. 

Bap Man. Now then, none of that. 


18 THE MAN IN THE BOWLER HAT. 


Hero. I haven’t really. 

Joun. I don’t think he’d say he hadn’t got it, if he 
had got it. Do you, Mary ? 

Mary. Oh, I’m sure he wouldn’t. 

Curer Vittarn. Silence! (Zo Hero.) Where is the 
ticket ? 

Hero. Inthe cloak-room of Paddington Station. In 
a hat-box. 

CuieF VituAIn. The same hat-box ? 

Hero. Ofcourse not. The other one was at Water- 
loo Station. 

CHIEF VILLAIN. Well then, where’s the ticket for 
the hat-box in the Paddington cloak-room ? | 

Hero. In the cloak-room at Charing Cross. In a 
hat-box. 

CuizEF VILLAIN (annoyed). Look here, how many 
hat-boxes have you got ? 

Hero. Lots. 

Cuimr Viruain. Oh! Now let’s get this straight. 
You say that the Rajah’s Ruby is in a hat-box in the 
cloak-room at Paddington 

Hero. Waterloo. 

CuieF VitLAIN. Waterloo; and that the ticket for — 
that hat-box is in a hat-box in the cloak-room at 
Euston 

Hero. Paddington. 

Curur Vittain. Paddington; and that the ticket 
for this ticket, which is in a hat-box at Paddington, for 
the Ruby which is in a hat-box at King’s Cross —— 

Bap Man. Euston. 

JOHN (fentatively). St. Pancras ? 

Mary. LEarl’s Court ? 

CurmF VILLAIN (angrily). Oh, shut up! The ticket 
for this ticket, which is ina hat-box at Paddington, for 
the Ruby which is in a hat-box at—at—— 

Hero. Waterloo. 

Csinr Viruain. Waterloo, thank you. This ticket 
is in a hat-box at—er 
JouN (with decision). St. Pancras. 

Mary (equally certain). Earl’s Court. 











THE MAN IN THE BOWLER HAT. 19 


Cuter Vittain. Shut up! In a hat-box at-—— 

Hero. Charing Cross. 

CHEF ViLLAIN. Exactly. (Zriumphanily.) Then 
give me the ticket ! 

Hero. Which one ? 

CHIEF VILLAIN (uneasily). The one we're talking 
about. 

JoHN (helpfully). The St. Pancras one. 

Mary. The EHarl’s Court one. 

Carer VILiaAIN (in a fury). Wall you shut up? (To 
Hero.) Nowlisten. (Very slowly and with an enormous 
effort of concentration.) I want the ticket for the hat-box 
at Charing Cross, which contains the ticket for the hat- 
box at—— 


(Joun’s lips indicate “ St. Pancras” to Mary, whose 
own seem to express a preference for Earl’s Court. The 
VILLAIN gives them one look, and goes on firmly.) 


—at Paddington, which contains the ticket for the hat- 
box at Waterloo, which contains the Rajah’s Ruby. 
(Proudly.) There! 

Hero. I beg your pardon ? 

Carer VILLAIN (violently). I will not say it again! 
Give me the ticket ! 

Hero (sadly). I haven’t got it. 

Carer VILLAIN (in an awe-struck whisper). You 
haven’t got it? 

Hero. No. 

Carer VILLAIN (after several vain attempts to areat). 
Where is it ? 

Hero. In the cloak-room at Victoria Station. 

Carer VILLAIN (moistening his lips and speaking 
faintly). Not—not in a hat-box ? 

Hero. Yes. 

Carer VILLAIN (without much hope). And the ticket 
for that ? 

Hero. In the cloak-room at Euston. 

Carer VILLAIN (quite broken up). Also in a hat-box ? 

Hero. Yes. 

Cur Vitutain. How much longer do we go on ? 


20 THE MAN IN THE BOWLER HAT. 


Hero (cheerfully). Oh, a long time yet. 

Corer VitLaIn (fo Bap Man). How many London 
stations are there ? 

JOHN. Well, there’s St. Pancras, and—— 

Mary. Earl’s Court—— 

Bap Man. About twenty big ones, governor. 

Cuizr VILLAIN. Twenty! (Zo Hero.) And what 
do we do when we’ve gone through the lot ? 

Hero. Then we go all round them again. 

CHIEF VILLAIN (anqiously). And—and so on? 

Hero. And so on? 

CureF VILLAIN (his hand to his head). This is terrible. 
I must think. (Zo Bap Man.) Just torture him again 
while I think. 

Bap Man (cheerfully). Right you are, governor. 
(He approaches his victim.) 

HERO (uneasily). I say, look here ! 

Joun. I don’t think it’s quite fair, you know—— 

Mary (suddenly). Give me back my pin! 

Bap Man. Must obey orders, gentlemen. (Coazingly 
to Hero.) Just a little way in! (Indicating with his 
jingers.) That much. 

JoHN (fo Mary). I think perhaps “that much” 
wouldn’t matter. What do— 

Carer VILLAIN (iriumphanily). I’ve got it! 


(He rises with an air, the problem solved. They all look 
at him.) 


JoHN. What ? 

CuizF VILLAIN (impressively to Hero). There is 
somewhere—logically, there must be somewhere—a 
final, an ultimate hat-box. 

JoHn. By Jove! That’s true! 

Hero. Yes. 

Bap Man (scratching his head). I don’t see it. 

CureF ViLtLaIn. Then—where ts that hat-box ? 

JoxuN (cheerfully). St. Pancras. 

Mary. LEarl’s Court. 

Carer Vittain. Shut up! (Zo Hero.) Where is 
that hat-box ? 


THE MAN IN THE BOWLER HAT. 21 


Hero. In the cloak-room at Charing Cross. 

Carer Virtarn. Ah! (He holds out hishand.) Then 
give me the ticket for it. 

Bap Man (threateningly). Come on now! The 
ticket | 

Hero (shaking his head sadly). I can’t. 

Corer ViuuaIn (almost inarticulate with emotion). 
You don’t mean to say you’ve—lost—it ? 

HERO (in a whisper, with bowed head). I’ve lost it. 


(With a terrible shriek the Curer Vituatn falls back 
fainting into the arms of the Bap Man. Instinctively 
JOHN and Mary embrace, sobbing to each other “ He’s 
lost it!” The HeRorneE rushes in, crying, “ My love, 
you've lost it!” and puis her arms round the Hero. 
Only the Man in THE BowLeR Hat remains unmoved. 
Slowly he removes the cigar from his mouth and speaks.) 


Bower Har. Yes.... That’s all right.... 
Just a bit ragged still.... We'll take it again at 
eleven to-morrow. ... Second Act, please. 


(And so the rehearsal goes on.) 





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